Do you play Air Guitar? Huh? Come on, don’t give me that rolling your eyes look, answer me! Do. You. Play. Air. Guitar. Eh? Because if you do, you’d better buy US Air Guitar Championships tickets and get your booty down to the American Air Guitar Challenge which starts today, June 3, 2008, in New York City!
I’m not messing around here; you know you can do this. After all, weren’t you the man, back in the day? When you thought your big sister was off doing chores, she was actually creased up with laughter, spying through the door-crack while you made an utter polyp of yourself in front of that mirror you loved so much. Air guitar ain’t for sissies or quitters, that’s for sure. You have to be ready to take some flak in that game. You have to be prepared to truly die (of embarrassment) for your art. I personally have a long and distinguished career as a major "airness" figure (in my house at least), and I can take you through 3 Doors Down’s “Kryptonite” better than Matt Roberts himself! They’d flock to buy 3 Doors Down tickets if they thought they’d get to hear my Superman, or Krytonite, whatever it’s called. Don’t get me wrong, I’m under no illusions; I know that particular solo is nothing special. Not like when I’m totally in the zone and the proper dancing starts and I throw something like “Sweet Child O’ Mine” on there by G&R. Now that’s air guitar, let me tell you. I’m not saying I go the whole hog – put a bandana on, or even a wig, for that matter – but I do let rip and give ‘em what they want, the imaginary 150,000 crowd, that is. So what of it, Punkness? You gonna get down to that thur Big Apple and grapple with some air? You gonna strap on that nonexistent appendage and hit those high nothing notes on that imaginary Stairway to Heaven of yours?
I hope to see you there, as the US Air Guitar Challenge makes its way across the USA. The contest will be held in 24 cities in all, before it comes to rest in San Francisco for the national finals on August 8.
But that’s not all, kids; the US Air Guitar Champion will win the right to represent America in the Air Guitar World Championships in Oulu, Finland, Aug. 20-22! Imagine the honor?! It doesn’t bear thinking about! I know, it ain’t friggin’ Oahu, it’s Oulu (wherever the frig that is, but hey, this isn’t a contest for fair-weather rockers, as we’ve already discussed). What better place than a nation with a huge fraction of its population committed alcoholics and depressed weirdoes who wish they were American, to go and, dare I say it, be a Guitar God!!!
See you there. Don’t let me down. And if I’m not back here in two months, send a search party.
