She's attracted attention to herself for snogging Britney, shagging Sean Penn, and marrying wannaba-working-class-but-really-a-middle-class-drip-from-London Guy Ritchie.
Recently she seems to have sparked a mass Hollywood flip to quasi-mystico-Judaism, with Demi Moore, Lindsey Lohan, and Britney Spears (again!) following suit, sporting braided red wrist-strings the significance of which surely none of them have the foggiest idea. But rumors are now pointing to the divorce courts for the artist formerly known as Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone and her poof-guy-not-tough-guy Guy. If those two split, there'll be plenty of five-pound notes flying, that's for sure. I believe in England they call them "sky-divers", fivers. Or "deep sea divers"...
And wouldn't yer know it? Eh? Eh? Right when the latest massive delivery of fresh-made-like-yer-Italian-mother-used-to-make Madonna tickets are going on sale! That's right, the mixed-up gal with the titanium, er, legs, is hitting the road. And I'll be there, suckers, Christ I'll be there if it kills me. Just to count the wrinkles in that well-worked face; all that frantic obsession with working out and keeping ultra-fit, all that dancing, stretching and prancing, that sweating and spa-ing and personal trainering (but no marathons or triathlons, as far as I know. Funny, that), only for this 60-year old to actually end up looking not a day over 54...hmmmm, a recent glimpse of Sean "Irish American wannabe tough guy gangster from Southie but actually at least half-Jewish (not that there's anything wrong with that) and one quarter Italian and possibly part-Spanish whose name is really Piñón, who's from Los Angeles" Penn reveals a chap, who, despite spending the overwhelming fraction of his life in bars drinking himself into stupors of one degree or another, actually looks pretty %$#@*& good himself - younger and more vibrant than Ciccone even! It was Penn who was once charged with felony domestic assault after an altercation at their marital home, but he somehow escaped the nutty Neopolitan wannabe who was really born in Rochester New-York, to marry a proper darling in the form of Robin Wright. More legs of titanium - no, stainless steel, even! Muscles like a racehorse. Not a day over 54, I swear, and boy don't those old women do it for you sometimes? Huh? But if Madge's not enough for you, then just you grab a load of Tina Turner tickets soon, too. Good ol' Tina, the Queen of Soul. And Madonna, the Queen of Pop. Pop 'n' Soul. All this old queen-lust has got me thinking I'd be all set with just the good ol' Queen, to be honest. She doesn't look at all bad on those old English five pound notes...
But I digress. Divorce, that's the skinny, the gist of what I'm trying to tell you here. Which means that this canny cougar is up for grabs! This prize puma (yeah, I know they don't call 'em that, but a cougar and a puma are so similar it seems almost OK to do it) is gonna be in my home town in New England and I can buy concert tickets and mosey right on down there for a look at those titanium bits of hers. Titanium bits. Let's all say ahhhhh......and hurrah for British rhyming slang.
