If you want to counterfeit something you go to the Far East because they can fake things better than the real thing. Everyone knows that. But some things ain’t meant to be faked and one of those things includes the Olympics Opening Ceremony. I mean if you had bought Olympics tickets at some astronomic rate and were confronted with this Oriental jiggery-pokery you would be entitled to be a bit miffed. Apparently, nobody told our Chinese friends this because last weekend they impressed the world with an amazing opening to the summer games in Beijing. There were gigantic footprints – the "footprints of God", no less – striding across the city in firework form. Fireworks that have been since declared a computer generated hoax! Apparently there are conflicting reports; Richard Spencer of the Huffington Post claimed that the firework God-feet were quite real and that the fakery was concocted to overcome logistical filming problems. On the other hand, The Oregonian reporter Jon Canzano says he was in Tienanmen Square during the ceremony and says people there saw "two tiny flarelike blasts pop in the sky, followed by a lot of nothing". Canzano goes on to say "they were probably baffled by the widespread reports of the lit-up sky, exploding footprints and brilliant fireworks. And today, I'm thinking those people are relieved to learn they're not losing their marbles."
Hmmm, very queer, that. Most disturbingly, the feet of God debacle wasn’t the only controversy surrounding the opening ceremony. That lovely little girl who sang so sweetly as the Chinese flag was carried into the stadium turns out not to have been singing at all – or if she was we certainly didn’t hear her! The voice heard by Olympics tickets holders and television viewers around the globe was that of Yang Peiy, not Lin Miaoke, the angel in the red dress. Unfortunately, an agent from China’s Politburo deemed the somewhat plainer-featured Yang Peiy would be relegated to invisibility while her prettier counterpart was thrust before the flashbulbs of the world’s press. Too goofy apparently. That’s goofy as in toothy; not zany, or bearing a resemblance to the Disney doggie. Such a shame. But there we have it. In fact, some are now claiming that the entire Summer Olympics is actually a fake!
In similar-but-not-really-similar developments this week, Iran was accused of Photoshopping a missile test. Everyone stood around and discussed how clever we were to have caught the Evil Axis dwellers in their evil act; we’re Americans, damnit! Do those people think they can fool us with pedestrian technology like Photoshop?! Unfortunately nobody seemed to recognize that the real issue here was of Iran launching missiles. Photoshop was more important though, or more importantly our ability to discern a photoshopped document was more important. Because we’re important. Photoshop is important, more important than the possibility of nuclear annihilation. That’s what’s important. And it’s important that you recognize this as a citizen of the most genuine, technologically-advanced and important nation on earth. So next time the Chinese start throwing their weight around, beaming pictures of their maneuvers in the general vicinity of Taiwan or Tibet, just remember: They faked their Olympics Opening Ceremony. If they’re evil enough to do that, what else are they capable of?
Eh?
