Bernard Watson's blog

If you want to counterfeit something you go to the Far East because they can fake things better than the real thing. Everyone knows that. But some things ain’t meant to be faked and one of those things includes the Olympics Opening Ceremony. I mean if you had bought Olympics tickets at some astronomic rate and were confronted with this Oriental jiggery-pokery you would be entitled to be a bit miffed. Apparently, nobody told our Chinese friends this because last weekend they impressed the world with an amazing opening to the summer games in Beijing. There were gigantic footprints – the "footprints of God", no less – striding across the city in firework form. Fireworks that have been since declared a computer generated hoax! Apparently there are conflicting reports; Richard Spencer of the Huffington Post claimed that the firework God-feet were quite real and that the fakery was concocted to overcome logistical filming problems. On the other hand, The Oregonian reporter Jon Canzano says he was in Tienanmen Square during the ceremony and says people there saw "two tiny flarelike blasts pop in the sky, followed by a lot of nothing". Canzano goes on to say "they were probably baffled by the widespread reports of the lit-up sky, exploding footprints and brilliant fireworks. And today, I'm thinking those people are relieved to learn they're not losing their marbles."
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Fancy yerself a bit of a Manc scally do yer? Because if you do, James tickets are on sale now! James concert dates have been officially confirmed and their American audience will get to see them one more time. The former “Madchester” band are to reunite for a US tour this fall; the James tour schedule will carry the band through September and into October but that’s your lot – if you want to buy James tickets then move now as there aren’t many to go round. James recently released “Hey Ma”, their first album in 7 years and last year’s double-disc “Fresh as a Daisy: The Singles” has brought all you old scallywags out of the closet and into the light. Despite being in the public eye since the early-80s, James didn’t properly arrive until the early-90s. Indeed, when Manchester United won the European Cup Winners’ Cup in Rotterdam in 1991, the crowd danced and sang James’ “Sit Down” en masse. The song became an anthem for Man United soccer fans to the extent that when United won the UEFA Champions Cup 8 years later in Barcelona it was played on the stadium PA system.
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Demi Lovato tickets are gonna be selling like hot buns very soon - if not already - and demand from all quadrants will whip up a storm of speculation, gossip and depraved jackal-like behavior, most probably from those educated and informed enough to know better. That's right; I'm talking about you. You and your unquenchable desire for Jonas Brothers tickets, Demi Lovato tickets and other tweenstuff. And of course, there'll be the others, the lurking vile predators who are the secondary audience; human males of the full or semi-grown variety who we needn't discuss too much here. And I'm not just talking about the paparazzi with their "Miley Cyrus Pregnant!" headlines.
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Do you play Air Guitar? Huh? Come on, don’t give me that rolling your eyes look, answer me! Do. You. Play. Air. Guitar. Eh? Because if you do, you’d better buy US Air Guitar Championships tickets and get your booty down to the American Air Guitar Challenge which starts today, June 3, 2008, in New York City!
I’m not messing around here; you know you can do this. After all, weren’t you the man, back in the day? When you thought your big sister was off doing chores, she was actually creased up with laughter, spying through the door-crack while you made an utter polyp of yourself in front of that mirror you loved so much. Air guitar ain’t for sissies or quitters, that’s for sure. You have to be ready to take some flak in that game. You have to be prepared to truly die (of embarrassment) for your art. I personally have a long and distinguished career as a major "airness" figure (in my house at least), and I can take you through 3 Doors Down’s “Kryptonite” better than Matt Roberts himself! They’d flock to buy 3 Doors Down tickets if they thought they’d get to hear my Superman, or Krytonite, whatever it’s called. Don’t get me wrong, I’m under no illusions; I know that particular solo is nothing special. Not like when I’m totally in the zone and the proper dancing starts and I throw something like “Sweet Child O’ Mine” on there by G&R. Now that’s air guitar, let me tell you. I’m not saying I go the whole hog – put a bandana on, or even a wig, for that matter – but I do let rip and give ‘em what they want, the imaginary 150,000 crowd, that is. So what of it, Punkness? You gonna get down to that thur Big Apple and grapple with some air? You gonna strap on that nonexistent appendage and hit those high nothing notes on that imaginary Stairway to Heaven of yours?

She's attracted attention to herself for snogging Britney, shagging Sean Penn, and marrying wannaba-working-class-but-really-a-middle-class-drip-from-London Guy Ritchie.

Recently she seems to have sparked a mass Hollywood flip to quasi-mystico-Judaism, with Demi Moore, Lindsey Lohan, and Britney Spears (again!) following suit, sporting braided red wrist-strings the significance of which surely none of them have the foggiest idea. But rumors are now pointing to the divorce courts for the artist formerly known as Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone and her poof-guy-not-tough-guy Guy. If those two split, there'll be plenty of five-pound notes flying, that's for sure. I believe in England they call them "sky-divers", fivers. Or "deep sea divers"...
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Country superstar Kenny Chesney's latest tour almost suffered a set-back this week, when the ten-gallon titan injured his foot during a concert Saturday. The incident occurred while Chesney was performing at Columbia, South Carolina's Williams-Brice Stadium, and the singer finished the show in some pain but confident the Kenny Chesney tour schedule will not be affected. This will be a relief to his vast body of fans distributed along the tour route.

Apparently, Chesneys boot was stuck between the stage and a hydraulic platform which rose up next to him. He was pinned in this position for about half a minute, but was then released. Chesney continued to perform in some pain and with a pronounced limp, and he had to have his cowboy boot cut off when the show ended. An X-ray showed crushed bones in Chesney's foot, but he remains determined that the show must go on. This includes the Austin, Texas show planned for Thursday, May 1.
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Remember when you could walk into a bookstore and there were just two sections – Fiction and Non-Fiction? Or a record store (assuming you remember what records were and aren’t just being a trendy "vinyl freak" or whatever you Johnny-come-latelys are calling yourselves these days)? There’d be a ton of Rock/Pop and then some Classical, and that’d be it. Rock and Pop included everything from Psychedelic, Punk, Blues, New Wave, and Electronica, to Ska, Bluebeat, Folk, and Country. Nowadays we have "nu-" this and "nu-" that. Nu? Wasn’t that a super-civilization from before Atlantis or something? Don’t tell me; it doesn’t matter.
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StumbleUpon is a bloody great power for the old attention-grabbing, isn’t it? An awesome plugin with which to turn the collective head of the blogosphere, and make some (hopefully) viral statement that guarantees your fifteen minutes of cyber-fame? But in the past few months, I’ve noticed one little glitch in the mechanics of the social tool, and in some cases it could make or break a website’s respectability. That’s right, it’s the pesky category button, that which defines a website’s contents on the search results page. Upon being asked to provide information about their site on StumbleUpon, many are choosing the “Adult” option, in the mistaken belief that the cuss-words or financial discussion in their gourmet food and wine blog qualifies it thus. But no, people! Upon choosing the “Adult” option, you automatically have the word Pornography situated right next to the name of your site for all the Googlers to see! Or are you actually a New Pornographer in town? Nobody knows unless they click, and if they don’t click, they don’t visit, and you know where this is going…if they are looking for The New Pornographers tickets they’ll be out of luck won’t they?
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Freaks. Has all the talk of Led Zeppelin tickets going onsale got you all floppy and disoriented? Gotcha goin’ ape with eagerness, flailing like a rock ‘n’ roll whirling dervish around the ziggurat of your personal crediverse in a kinetic Led Zeppelin tickets trance? Tickets to Led Zep won’t be easy to find when they do finally get printed, that’s for sure, so you might wanna consider an alternative:
2008’s Bonnaroo Festival in Tennessee – the seventh, no less; quite a feat for anything in this country, where a business is considered “successful” if it has been up and running since Led Zep retired – sees a little twist to the usual parade of Indie bands and other professional hipsters. From the (uncredible) credibility industry, in the form of some young ladies calling themselves Lez Zeppelin, we now have choices! That’s right, Lez Zeppelin. They do covers of the Zep catalog, but they’re all female and the Lezzies (if that wasn’t their nickname it is now) are the first pure tribute band to play Bonnaroo in its seven years of hipness and coolness and credible suchness. Who’da thunk it, huh? Lez Zeppelin.
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Well, it’s happened again, and it’s sad: Another young person found dead, surrounded by assorted remedies from the Western pill cabinet, naked. This time it was women’s fave Heath Ledger, the guy who bravely played the gay cowboy in “Brokeback Mountain”, and more recently, the Joker in Batman XXII, or however many remakes of the caped crusader we’ve had now (I know, it’s actually called “The Dark Knight,” and is set to come out later this year, no doubt causing a media emo-frenzy; will they buy concert tickets to go watch some celebs rap about life and Heath, and being beautiful? Will they take their African and Chinese adopted children along, swathed in their national costumes, to demonstrate their ethical superiority? Who knows?). Heath Ledger, with the young child and estranged girlfriend. Heath Ledger with the Australian family who are now shattered. Heath Ledger, blah, blah, blah.
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