Just when you think Kevin Federline couldn't be any more vile than he already is, something like this surfaces in the news: He's got a sex tape and he's ready to sell it if he doesn't get what he wants in the divorce.
British gossip rag News of the World broke the story today, citing a rumored offer of $49.3 million that may convince Kevin to hand over the tape to a film company that apparently specializes in salacious amateur movies.
According to unidentifiable but widely believed sources, the tape is four hours long and features a variety of... how do you say?... physical manifestations of love. And a couple games of chess. No, seriously. I guess it was one of those erotic chess games, which makes a little bit of sense. But is anybody else shocked that Britney and Kevin would even know the rules for chess?
As delicious as this whole Britney-dumps-trashy-deadbeat divorce drama has been, it wasn't surprising when we heard she filed papers. There were countdowns. We all saw it coming. The real dirt is flying now that Kevin's getting screwed by the pre-nup. Thankfully, Brit's people saw to it that she had a watertight agreement that, if it stands, will leave Fed-Ex high and dry with a measly $300k. Naive pop tart Britney didn't ever expect her marriage to end, and reportedly had to be talked into signing the agreement, but it's a good thing she did. Especially since she's probably ready to kill Kevin for this ultimate betrayal.
Wait, actually, was the ultimate betrayal that he gave her herpes? (Sure, it's just a rumor, but come on... young and healthy with a 6 lb. baby, she schedules a C-section? Pretty unlikely that it's any other cause.)
At any rate, Kevin's offer to sell this voyeuristic goldmine comes in the wake of his first obnoxious, ridiculous reaction to the divorce filing. He's sued for full custody of the kids, which is 1) laughable and 2) a strong signal that he's going to fight tooth and nail in this break-up. His spokesperson said, "Kevin is prepared to go the distance in order to do what he feels is necessary to protect and safeguard the children and will not be intimidated or dissuaded from pursuit of those goals."
I'm sure the judge in whatever court this is tried in will join me in a hearty "You've got to be joking." when that protection and safeguarding argument is put forth. And when Britney's lawyers mention that she's lost about $45 million in earnings during her fruitless (baby Federlines aside) two years with the "dancer", I think the gavel will pretty much come down right then and there.
As this nasty divorce battle plays out, all we spectators can do is embrace our schadenfreude and watch it happen. I mean, it's better than any reality TV show on the air AND there might be a sex tape at the end of it all. God bless American culture.
K-Fed needs to be destroyed
I am no britney fan. I hate her music. I hate the whole sell your kid into entertainment slavery thing that her life represents. But she's a shining beacon of wonderfulness next to the repugnant mass of cells that is Kevin Federline. He already got plenty out of the relationship. This latest move just makes me wish we still lived in some earlier point in history where you could just drag the a-hole to the back of the cave, smash him over the head with a rock, and the whole society could breathe a bit easier.
KFed, jump off a bridge. A bridge over a canyon of cacti. And take you short bus retard rap cds with you.